Converting or Orthodoxy

Prior to planning on marrying Milan I had always figured I’d have an outdoor wedding somewhere since I’m not particularly religious. Milan wasn’t either really but he told me that being with me made him more religious. I thought that was odd since I’m pretty agnostic in my beliefs. He explained it was because he feels it is important for families to have a “solid foundation” and that was the best way he knew how to provide it. I’m okay with that and I think it is sweet that he wants to provide that base for us.

Part of that solid foundation means getting married in the church though. I admit the first time I went I sat there listening to a sermon I didn’t understand a word of and thinking to myself, “My wedding dress would look really nice in here.” That was at Christmas, months before he proposed, but the thought was already there. I was pretty naïve at that point and thought it would be no real problem. Now that I know more it is still not a real problem, but it is a process.

When I was about 4 years old my parents decided to have me baptized at the Methodist church we attended. I’m not entirely sure why they waited so long but they did. I was a very shy kid and wanted nothing to do with strangers…especially strangers who wanted to dump water on my head. I threw such a huge fit in the middle of the church that the minister refused to do it and told my parents to let me decide when I was okay with it. Turns out that would happen 27 years later. I joke that even at a young age I was already questioning religion. So being the true heathen that I am, the Serbian Orthodox church won’t let Milan marry me as things stand now. This means I have to be baptized into the religion. Fortunately I’ve been to the church a few times and I have done enough reading and research on it that I am okay with the idea. A few one on one conversations with God and it’s all good.

I had been researching the heck out of the conversion process and there's little information out there about it and that frustrated me to no end! I like to read and know what I’m getting myself into before it happens…it’s just in my nature. I’ve since decided that the reason there is so little information about it is because it isn’t a big huge ordeal like it is in some other religions...or perhaps because it varies so much from church to church. At our particular church there aren’t any classes, no required reading materials, no tests. It is just a personal choice and when you think you’re ready you meet with the priest and set a date for the actual baptism. That is my kind of process! Milan and I met with the priest this past weekend and he recommended a couple of books to read and was very excited that I was willing to be Serbian Orthodox. He did tell me, “Orthodoxy isn’t a religion, it isn’t a faith, it isn’t something you believe…it is a way of life, it is something that you do and follow every day.” Fortunately I understood what he meant or that would have sounded very scary to a newbie.

As I mentioned, Father recommended one book in particular called Becoming Orthodox: A Journey to the Ancient Christian Faith by Peter E. Gillquist. Gillquist and a group of evangelical Christians converted to Orthodoxy over a period of years…this book is their story of why. Father seemed to think that it would be even better for me since it is written from the perspective of a non-Serb who converted. On my own I also purchased a “manual” on confession and communion in the Orthodox Church. Since communion was something I did at church as a kid and confession was something I never had to do the whole thing is very foreign to me. Milan did confession (for the first time in over 20 years) and received communion.I fasted with him for the week before but knew I couldn’t participate. When he went to get communion he brought a piece of bread back for me and as I stared at it in my hand, knowing what it symbolized I debated what to do for a minute. Then I said a silent prayer and popped it in my mouth. It was the weirdest thing but I started crying. Not an all out sob-fest, but tears streaming. I can’t really explain that. Back to the confession thing…I know before my baptism and before the wedding I’ll have to do a confession but as it stands right now I wouldn’t know what to confess. I know it sounds silly but do I confess that one time I forgot we were fasting and I had an egg for breakfast? Do I confess that I have impure thoughts about my future husband or that *GASP* we have sex? I have no clue. So that book seemed like it would be helpful for me. They are supposed to arrive later this week.

Since I mentioned the “non-Serb convert” thing I’ve thought about that a lot. I know that religion and nationality don’t really go together (contrary to popular belief, Jewish isn’t a nationality) but somehow I feel that by doing this I’ll suddenly be Serbian…should I make a pilgrimage to the old country? Perhaps I can stay with Tata (Milan’s dad) and we can stare at each other in silence due to a language barrier. I have done my family tree back 16 generations and none of the Yugoslavian countries were in it anywhere so I can’t even try to embrace that 1/4096th of me that is, in fact, Serbian. A coworker of mine suggested that I am “Serbian by injection” which cracked me up. Seriously though, I’ll be calling “Serbian Orthodox” my religion, my last name will most definitely be Serbian, I’ll be married to a “Milan” which is basically the Serbian version of “Mike” in terms of the commonality of it…the only thing keeping me from being Serbian is my lineage and that just seems odd. I am as American as they come, I had family on the Mayflower and I’ve got some American Indiana in me (only 4 generations back) so in reality I’ve been here forever. Then there is Eric who will be raised in the Church and will, probably, have Milan’s last name as well, I expect he’ll learn more Serbian than me because kids learn language easier than adults. He’s the product of my mutt-ass and a father who was half German and half Polish. Yet I expect he’ll tell people he’s Serbian when they ask. That leaves me a bit conflicted yet somehow proud.