Talked to Father

After finishing the one book and being about half way done with the Liturgy book (still don't understand all of it but it's getting clearer) I decided to call Father to talk more about being baptized. Really I just had a couple questions, mostly relating to Kumovi selection and time frames. I called him yesterday on my way home from work and he returned my called last night but I didn't hear my cell phone. So I just now called him back.

I wanted to know the "rules" about choosing Kumovi.
- Can I have the same as Eric and can that person (or people) be the same for our wedding. Yes they can
- Can they be related to other Kumovi of Milan's? Yes, it can be anyone as long as they aren't direct family and "won't interfere with the marriage" Not entirely sure what that means but okay.
- Do they have to be Serbian Orthodox? No, they have to be Orthodox, but it can be any variety...Greek, Russian, American etc.

As far as timing he said, "Once you decide on Kumovi call me back and we'll set up a date. Late July? August? September? Whenever, the wedding isn't until may so we have time."

He also said, "I am so excited that you are wanting to do this, it was always exciting for me to baptize someone but especially someone who understands what is happening and is making the choice on their own. You feel free to call me if you have any other questions. Make sure you tell Milan 'hello' for me"

Such a very nice man...who, when he returned my call, told me to call him at home or his cell and gave me both numbers. This is a priest who really wants to be involved and helpful to his parishioners. That makes me happy since often clergy seem very distant and, pardon the pun, "holier than thou."

Off to church tomorrow. We're trying to make a better effort at going regularly just so he remembers our faces, especially mine at this point, and knows that I'm not just doing this for the sake of the wedding.

One book down...a zillion more to go

I finished reading "Becoming Orthodox" and it was a very interesting read actually. A little slow at the beginning but it became pretty good. I even laughed a few times during the read. As all things religious are, it is up to interpretation, but something I didn't know is that Orthodoxy was actually first and Catholicism is a branch off of it. I thought it was the other way around. That said, Orthodoxy is actually more true to the beginnings of church.

Next up on the reading list is a short book called "Let Us Attend: A Journey Through the Orthodox Divine Liturgy" which explains the history and symbolism of the typical Sunday morning service. I'm all for tradition but as an outsider who can't understand what is being said during service I want to know what things represent (like the incense) or why everything is done in three's. I asked Milan and he said, "I don't know, it just is the way things are, been that way since I was a kid." I said "It's actually been that way since AD 32...but you never wondered why?" "Nope, it just is." Maybe I'm just odd but unless there is a reason for something then I want to change it. (My coworkers would attest to me not accepting, "We've just always done it that way" as a reason for not changing a process. I think they hate me for it.) Obviously I have no plan to change the Divine Liturgy, but I know there's a reason behind it all and I have to know what it is so I have a better grasp of what is going on.

Also, I need to find out what prompts everyone to make the sign of the cross during service. I'm not opposed to doing it but I don't want to do it just because everyone else is, I want to know why otherwise it means very little. This is something else I asked Milan and he said , "I'm not always sure when either, so I just follow the old ladies." WHAT WHAT WHAT!?!?! SIGH. I told him I'd explain it when I figured it all out. He jokes that I'm going to end up more Serbian than he is.

Also, I think I have decided to have Eric baptized with me...contrary to the input from some friends. One of the reasons I had for not doing it is that I like the fact that at 31 I am choosing the beliefs I want to embrace. But even if I had been baptized Methodist as a kid (as my parents tried to do) I would still be making this choice now...I just wouldn't have to go through the official process. Besides...what is it going to hurt? I know my kid and Lord knows he'll need all the help he can get! (Recall the post about him doing devil horns in church?)

Actual wedding stuff

We finally decided on a reception location...it is a nice local country club with a beautiful view out the back wall which is all windows and a classy interior. It was more than I had set out to spend but as my mom said, "You didn't settle for the man, don't settle for a location either."

I also got a DJ booked today. After a few recommendations and seeing the current special they had it was too good to pass up.

Photographer is the only major thing left and I've gotten some really good reviews on a few different ones (and some very bad reviews on others to avoid) so that will be tough.

Just thought I'd update on the actually wedding plans. :)

Church Sunday

First, Eric did REMARKABLY well! It was the first time he'd ever seen the inside of a church besides one short wedding last summer. We were there for about 2 hours (only about 90 minutes of that was during actual service) and he got pretty antsy but he stood most of the time and was very quiet even when he did speak. He even tried to learn how to properly cross himself but after trying with his left hand and then almost poking his eye out he gave up. Apparently we need to work on his fine motor skills. At some point he told Milan and I, "I can't believe" but I don't think it was related to church itself. He did the "rock on" devil horn hand sign a few times and we laughed because there is really no rocking out during an Orthodox service. At some point he asked me, "Who is that guy?" So I tried to quietly explain but gave up and just told Eric his name.

The highlight was at the very end when everyone goes to the front of the church to receive bread. I'm not entirely sure what this is or why it is done, best I can figure, it is done for those who cannot receive communion, everyone is welcome to take part every week. Usually I skip that and just wait in the lobby. Well since we met with Father and I feel a little better as an outsider in the church I decided to do it this Sunday. So you walk up front and kiss an icon (I'm not sure if this varies or if it is always the same or who it is) then you approach the priest and he presents the cross for you to kiss, then you kiss his hand, and then he gives you a piece of bread the size and shape of a crouton only soft. I'd observed this enough times that I knew the process...Eric however did not. So we get to the priest and he puts the cross in front of Eric's face and Eric looked at him like he was insane. I nearly cracked up. Father said, "It's okay, he will learn," and handed him his bread. Which Eric proclaimed was, "Very yummy bread!" as we were walking away.

After wards we milled around a bit outside talking to Milan's sister, nephew and a very small portion of Kumovi. Eric pretended to be shy which I found odd since he met all the same people at Slava and then saw most again at Easter.

I also found out this week that Tata (Milan's dad) got the pictures we sent to him. Milan hasn't talked to him since then but his sister mentioned that he got them and was annoyed that Milan didn't label them. It was mentioned that it is strange how much we look alike. She's not the first to mention it, I hear very often that Eric and Milan really could be father and son based on looks...and Milan and I have noticed some of our features are similar. People say all the time that we look like a family so perhaps it is perfect that we are becoming one. I'm just scared for what happens as we age since couples who are together a very long time start to look alike. By the time we die perhaps we could pass as twins?

A family picture we took when we did our engagement pictures last month.

Let the reading begin

My books showed up Thursday....I'm currently on page 36 of the "Becoming Orthodox" one and so far so good. I like that it is a personal story of why they converted rather than a how-to. It makes it easier to read and allows me to see the process that happen that lead them to find Orthodoxy.

I had to have some lab work done and for some reason the hospital didn't have all of my info anymore...when I went in a couple months ago they had my high school address from 15 years ago but in the past two months I disappeared...go figure. Anyway, we had to go through all the usual "martial status, employer, next of kin" crap and she got to religion and I just stared at her for a minute. I guess she assumed I didn't hear her because she asked again and I said, "Sorry, Serbian Orthodox I suppose." "You suppose?" "Yea, it's not really official yet but I'm marrying a man who......never mind, you don't care about the story, just put down Orthodox." She just chuckled and me and moved on to the next space on the form. When she printed it out and gave it to me to give to the lab I look and it said, "REL: Sb Orth" and that was so strange to me because for my entire adult life that has always said, "REL: None." I figure if I'm converting and going to church and all that jazz I may as well have someone I know and like there to pray for my ass if something should happen, da nada Bog (God forbid).

Usually when Milan and I go to church we leave Eric with his dad's parents for the morning. They have been watching him a lot lately as we've had one thing after another that is MUCH easier without him present (like meeting with Father) so I told Milan yesterday that I didn't want him going over there this morning. I said, "I know you want to go to church and that's fine...but we're either taking Eric or he and I will stay home and you can go." He understood my reasoning and said, "Well, I guess we need to buy him some church clothes then." So off to Target we went to find a pair of dress pants and a button down for a 4 year old. It was oddly hard to find! Granted we could have gone to the mall and had no problem but I was trying to avoid that. So luckily for Eric, Target had no ties for little boys so he only got stuck with some black pants and a blue oxford....oh and some uncomfortable (they look like it anyway) black dress shoes. Most of you who may read this don't know my kid but he has the attention span of a fruit fly and can stay still for about 0.82 seconds and is only quiet when he's sleeping. So church should be interesting today. We decided we would sit near the back so we can easily duck out when he starts being crazy. Besides, it is Mother's Day...what better day to take my son to church with me right?

While we were shopping I also found myself some new church shoes. I have A LOT of shoes but most of them are sandals (like Birkenstocks or flip flops). I have some flats but they are either uncomfortable for long term wear or meant to be worn with pants. I was seriously lacking flats that were comfortable and skirt appropriate...so after MUCH time in the shoe store I found a pair that I hope will be okay and not kill my feet today. They were really comfy in the store but you just never know until you have to stand in them for 45+ minutes. I also dug a jacket out of my closet so my elbows will be covered today...good thing I remembered I had it...otherwise I'd have been wearing a sweater and who wants to do that when it's warm out?

Well, back to my reading while everyone is still asleep and the house is peacefully quiet. :)

Converting or Orthodoxy

Prior to planning on marrying Milan I had always figured I’d have an outdoor wedding somewhere since I’m not particularly religious. Milan wasn’t either really but he told me that being with me made him more religious. I thought that was odd since I’m pretty agnostic in my beliefs. He explained it was because he feels it is important for families to have a “solid foundation” and that was the best way he knew how to provide it. I’m okay with that and I think it is sweet that he wants to provide that base for us.

Part of that solid foundation means getting married in the church though. I admit the first time I went I sat there listening to a sermon I didn’t understand a word of and thinking to myself, “My wedding dress would look really nice in here.” That was at Christmas, months before he proposed, but the thought was already there. I was pretty naïve at that point and thought it would be no real problem. Now that I know more it is still not a real problem, but it is a process.

When I was about 4 years old my parents decided to have me baptized at the Methodist church we attended. I’m not entirely sure why they waited so long but they did. I was a very shy kid and wanted nothing to do with strangers…especially strangers who wanted to dump water on my head. I threw such a huge fit in the middle of the church that the minister refused to do it and told my parents to let me decide when I was okay with it. Turns out that would happen 27 years later. I joke that even at a young age I was already questioning religion. So being the true heathen that I am, the Serbian Orthodox church won’t let Milan marry me as things stand now. This means I have to be baptized into the religion. Fortunately I’ve been to the church a few times and I have done enough reading and research on it that I am okay with the idea. A few one on one conversations with God and it’s all good.

I had been researching the heck out of the conversion process and there's little information out there about it and that frustrated me to no end! I like to read and know what I’m getting myself into before it happens…it’s just in my nature. I’ve since decided that the reason there is so little information about it is because it isn’t a big huge ordeal like it is in some other religions...or perhaps because it varies so much from church to church. At our particular church there aren’t any classes, no required reading materials, no tests. It is just a personal choice and when you think you’re ready you meet with the priest and set a date for the actual baptism. That is my kind of process! Milan and I met with the priest this past weekend and he recommended a couple of books to read and was very excited that I was willing to be Serbian Orthodox. He did tell me, “Orthodoxy isn’t a religion, it isn’t a faith, it isn’t something you believe…it is a way of life, it is something that you do and follow every day.” Fortunately I understood what he meant or that would have sounded very scary to a newbie.

As I mentioned, Father recommended one book in particular called Becoming Orthodox: A Journey to the Ancient Christian Faith by Peter E. Gillquist. Gillquist and a group of evangelical Christians converted to Orthodoxy over a period of years…this book is their story of why. Father seemed to think that it would be even better for me since it is written from the perspective of a non-Serb who converted. On my own I also purchased a “manual” on confession and communion in the Orthodox Church. Since communion was something I did at church as a kid and confession was something I never had to do the whole thing is very foreign to me. Milan did confession (for the first time in over 20 years) and received communion.I fasted with him for the week before but knew I couldn’t participate. When he went to get communion he brought a piece of bread back for me and as I stared at it in my hand, knowing what it symbolized I debated what to do for a minute. Then I said a silent prayer and popped it in my mouth. It was the weirdest thing but I started crying. Not an all out sob-fest, but tears streaming. I can’t really explain that. Back to the confession thing…I know before my baptism and before the wedding I’ll have to do a confession but as it stands right now I wouldn’t know what to confess. I know it sounds silly but do I confess that one time I forgot we were fasting and I had an egg for breakfast? Do I confess that I have impure thoughts about my future husband or that *GASP* we have sex? I have no clue. So that book seemed like it would be helpful for me. They are supposed to arrive later this week.

Since I mentioned the “non-Serb convert” thing I’ve thought about that a lot. I know that religion and nationality don’t really go together (contrary to popular belief, Jewish isn’t a nationality) but somehow I feel that by doing this I’ll suddenly be Serbian…should I make a pilgrimage to the old country? Perhaps I can stay with Tata (Milan’s dad) and we can stare at each other in silence due to a language barrier. I have done my family tree back 16 generations and none of the Yugoslavian countries were in it anywhere so I can’t even try to embrace that 1/4096th of me that is, in fact, Serbian. A coworker of mine suggested that I am “Serbian by injection” which cracked me up. Seriously though, I’ll be calling “Serbian Orthodox” my religion, my last name will most definitely be Serbian, I’ll be married to a “Milan” which is basically the Serbian version of “Mike” in terms of the commonality of it…the only thing keeping me from being Serbian is my lineage and that just seems odd. I am as American as they come, I had family on the Mayflower and I’ve got some American Indiana in me (only 4 generations back) so in reality I’ve been here forever. Then there is Eric who will be raised in the Church and will, probably, have Milan’s last name as well, I expect he’ll learn more Serbian than me because kids learn language easier than adults. He’s the product of my mutt-ass and a father who was half German and half Polish. Yet I expect he’ll tell people he’s Serbian when they ask. That leaves me a bit conflicted yet somehow proud.

Food & Beverage

Food is such a major part of the Serbian culture and tradition and MAN do they know what they are doing. I have yet to encounter a Serbian dish I don’t like. It seems the main rule in Serbian cooking is, “Never enough onion or garlic,” and as long as you’re okay with that you’re good to go. The first ethnic thing Milan cooked for me was cevaps (chee-vops or chey-vops, depending on local dialect, which is a shortened version of cevapcici) which are about the size and shape of breakfast sausage links that don’t have casings….but they are made of a beef, pork and lamb combo. You grill them up and eat them with a side of diced onions on a pita or just plain...very yummy. Kajmak (ky-mahk) is another favorite, it is a lot like cream cheese only somehow better. Ajvar (Eye-var) is a vegetable spread there isn’t an American equivalent in texture or flavor but trust me it is good stuff…smear it on some bread with some kajmak and you’ll be in heaven. There are many others I’ve had at Milan’s sister’s house that I can’t remember what they are called…like sarma, their version of stuffed cabbage. Milan also makes this bean dish, I’m not sure if it has a name, but it is something his mom used to make when he was growing up….it is mashed up beans with onions and seasoning.

The alcohol…I don’t have much to say on this because I’ve only had it once and it was in a concoction that Kum told me was “Serbian tea.” I have seen recipes and it turns out that there is tea involved but you wouldn’t know by the taste. Sljivovica is Serbian plum brandy. When I tried it in the aforementioned tea my first thought was a saying my dad used to use, “That will put hair on your chest.” That, in turn, made me laugh since Milan is a bit on the furry side…it’s all because of slivo.

We are lucky enough to be blessed with an ethnic food store, owned by Serbs in fact, not too far from us. Last time I dropped in it was just Eric and I and as we were checking out the woman (I think she is an owner) gave Eric some candy and I told him to say, “hvala” (pronounced “fah-la” and it means thanks) which was a mistake because she then started speaking Serbian as though the kid and I were fluent. We just looked at her and she said “You don’t speak Serbian huh?” “I speak VERY little, like you heard the bulk of what I know, and my fiance hasn't taught the kid much yet.” She laughed and gave Eric homework to learn 3 new Serbian words before we went back in. We haven’t been back yet and I’m not sure Eric has learned any new words. Perhaps he has, he was fond of “mali mis” (molly meesh) which means “little mouse” when Milan called him that a few days ago…who knows if it stuck though.